Priti Patel launches Equine Habitat Locksmiths for Escaped Horses
Westminister - With the Home Office about to launch a questionably late policy of quarantining foreign arrivals to the UK for 14 days from the 8th June, Home Secretary Priti Patel has also announced a bold new venture to secure the stables of horses that have recently escaped.
"Many people will question the timing of this move", smirked the nation's favourite Home Secretary, whilst standing on a wooden crate, "but it's a known fact that securing horses whilst in their stables is just not as cost effective as allowing them to escape first and then applying strict security protocols".
The Home Secretary then went onto explain that huge numbers of people are currently being trained to develop a 'World Class' National network of locksmiths, expertly trained by absent online government trainers, expert in the field of galvanised steel devices and cabin hooks.
"I'm with the Home Secretary on this one", stated regional dim-wit, Colin Collinson (54) of Barton Stacey, furloughed caretaker of 'Crazy Horses', Hampshire's only Osmonds themed Equine Sanatorium, "I annually spend a fortune on locks, padlocks, alarms and CCTV cameras, as our clients have a habit of trying to smash down the doors of their abodes. Since adopting Home Office policy and allowing our clients to escape we've saved a fortune on security. The only risk is that with so many horses in the community the risk of individuals being kicked in the head by a stallion, colt or mare could increase Conservative Party membership"
Ms Patel then went on to outline a number of other government measures including the closing of doors belonging to stables, post resident vacation, the correct methods of cart and horse placement and how to unintentionally release a feline from a bag
"Many people will question the timing of this move", smirked the nation's favourite Home Secretary, whilst standing on a wooden crate, "but it's a known fact that securing horses whilst in their stables is just not as cost effective as allowing them to escape first and then applying strict security protocols".
The Home Secretary then went onto explain that huge numbers of people are currently being trained to develop a 'World Class' National network of locksmiths, expertly trained by absent online government trainers, expert in the field of galvanised steel devices and cabin hooks.
"I'm with the Home Secretary on this one", stated regional dim-wit, Colin Collinson (54) of Barton Stacey, furloughed caretaker of 'Crazy Horses', Hampshire's only Osmonds themed Equine Sanatorium, "I annually spend a fortune on locks, padlocks, alarms and CCTV cameras, as our clients have a habit of trying to smash down the doors of their abodes. Since adopting Home Office policy and allowing our clients to escape we've saved a fortune on security. The only risk is that with so many horses in the community the risk of individuals being kicked in the head by a stallion, colt or mare could increase Conservative Party membership"
Ms Patel then went on to outline a number of other government measures including the closing of doors belonging to stables, post resident vacation, the correct methods of cart and horse placement and how to unintentionally release a feline from a bag
